You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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