I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
