Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
please don't ironically join a cult
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