Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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