DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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