The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
