lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
