you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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