WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
