How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
