She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
