Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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