where am i from again
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
