I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies don't puke and tell
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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