sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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