Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
