I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
