Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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