Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
