rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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