Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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