so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
