so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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