just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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