Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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