Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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