I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
