there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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