Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
