porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
