In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
