Don't you send me to vm
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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