stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
