Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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