that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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