u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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