What a fucking waste of an outfit
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
