I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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