Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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