I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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