Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
