Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
