OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
