you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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