You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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