my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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