I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
