the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
