There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
the raccoons are back...
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