Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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