onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
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We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
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by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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