I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
