All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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