it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
