I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
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I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
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Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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