I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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